Cameron and I have been having some really hard conversations, lately. It seems that while he still likes me & still loves me, he is no longer in love with me. "The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love."
I've been sad, hurt, angry, unsettled, a whole host of gut-wrenching emotions. I've cried lots. Once we came to the realization, we've been trying to figure out what to do. We wondered, "Can this be fixed?" I said, "If you'll try, I'll try."
But, if the reality is we aren't going to try to fix it, we started talking about, "What are we going to do?" Cameron & I are thinking we will continue co-parenting Sam through his high school graduation (June 12), or maybe through his 18th birthday (July 16), but that Cam & I will separate, sometime, this summer.
We've talked about who should move out in the meantime, & where we each of us might go. But, currently, we are trying to amicably share our home, live together as friends.
If we get divorced in California, it seems I will receive some sort of alimony, which should help as I try to wrap my head around, "What's next?"
Once the wondering what was wrong, the anxiety, the confusion, the shock, & devastation were faced, we've been able to be open, honest, real, loving, supportive, & kind.
We've laughed & joked. We've thought it might be alright, felt optimistic, hopeful, liberated, even excited about the possibilities of a more autonomous future. "What does Mary want?" What an interesting question.
I appreciate all Cam has offered in terms of love & support these past 11 years as a family. I am trying to accept his interest in doing what he thinks he should do to be happy, recognizing it frees me up to do what I think I should do to be happy too.
But, today, I'm a little sad, again. Sometimes, I feel brave. Sometimes, I feel lost. It is weird. It is hard. It is us doing our best to be real.
We are all facing some big transitions, in the coming months. Your continued love, support, encouragement, ideas, suggestions, & friendship are most welcome. I think I'm gonna go for a walk...